How to be Texan – Wherever You Are #7

Find real religion in Texas

Readers:  This is part 7 of a series of articles on How To Be Texan – Wherever You Are.  There is an eBook of the same title coming soon and it will be available on your favorite eReader.  And for all you religious nuts, this is a humorous piece on religion.  If you get easily offended, then do not read this and simply go away shaking your head that someone might poke a little fun at religion in Texas. Nothing too awful here, I’m not that good at taking unnecessary chances.

You can be Texan Wherever You Are by finding religion.  Besides football, there are two major religions in Texas.  And in Texas, religion is taken seriously.  Texas is the biggest of the Bible belts states and generally, you are either Catholic or Southern Baptist.  The big two dominate religion in Texas.  Of course there are other denominations and I’m sure not trying to slight anyone in any way.  Strangers are warned when they come to Texas that it’s just best to not publicly discuss religion or politics.

Just to get a reference, Waco is home to Baylor University and is all things Southern Baptist.  It is also where RGIII, Robert Griffin III, the current Heisman Trophy winner attended college and rewrote the record books.  As I said, football is right up there with the major religions or denominations. And right now, Baylor University is very tight with the Almighty as opposed to that school in South Bend that caters to Catholics.

And Baylor has also found favor with a Higher Power with basketball.  Both the men’s and women’s teams are highly ranked and almost unbeatable on the national scene.

We have had some really strange religious events here in Texas including the Branch Davidian massacre at Waco, the FLDS sect who built a compound outside of Eldorado, Texas, and Repent Amarillo, whose members decide who is Christian enough, and who is not.  All of us long time Texans have some real head shakin’ stories of religious improprieties in our own communities.  I’m not going to be throwing any stones here either.  It’s just the way it is in the Great State.

We often have to call in the Texas Rangers and law enforcement agencies to control our religious sects to keep them from killing the rest of us, having sex with young very underage girls under the guise of ‘celestial’ marriages, and other such so called religious activities.

And I don’t think  me and my friends would last long in Amarillo.

True story:  Out in West Texas, a city council was trying to show some diversity and had a Muslim prayer offered at the beginning of the council meeting.  After the Muslim finished, a council member added “in Jesus name we pray.”

That took place in Texas in the year of our Lord 2009.  Bless us all.

And I noticed the other day on January 10, there was still a nativity scene on the courthouse lawn.  Try that in some city back east.  Nobody here even protested or gave it a second thought. Except me, I kinda thought it was a stick in the eye to the ACLU or the atheist lobby.

I was raised Presbyterian and was a minority.  I was once told Presbyterians are only semi-religious.  Probably true.  Catholics and Baptists dominate small town Texas and Texas in general.  When Vacation Bible School was offered in the community, it was accepted that most of us went to the Baptist Church or Methodist Church for VBS.  All except some of one particular church who thought the rest of us were going to hell.  I thought this was strange until I met a one cupper who thought all the others were on THEIR way to hell.  One was trying to out-religion the other.

For years I thought godless and catholic were one word. I picked that up from a friend’s pious Baptist grandmother.   I thought it was also strange because some of my Catholic friends were way more religious than the rest of us.  Those kids crossed themselves a lot and put ash crosses on their foreheads and ate fish on Fridays. That has to count for something.

The only time I thought I was in immediate danger of eternal damnation was when I followed my friend into a tent revival meeting.  He went down front to get saved and healed and instead got sick in front of those gathered there.  I believe the previous several hours we had spent barbecuing a goat and drinking beer out in the pasture may have contributed to his sudden puking attack in the front row.  He might have been saved later, but not that night.

Well, since this is about Texas religion, I have another confession to make, on the behalf of some other friends of mine.  I am merely guilty by association.ing the main

There were two twin brothers about 4 years ahead of my friend and me in school.  Their step father was a lay preacher at THE church.  I sometimes attended with them on Sunday evening.  The three boys were asked to tend the services which included taking the offering.

Big mistake.

After the offering was taken, the three retired to a separate room as usual……except a muffled fight soon erupted from the adjacent room and you could tell there was a scuffle going on because one of those involved was bounced off the wall adjoining the main room.   They were dividing up twenties among themselves for beer money and the fight started.  Some not so muffled curses were hurled about and the three emerged minutes later looking somewhat worse for wear.  However, they did each have beer money for the rest of the week.

I will probably suffer for that for an appropriate period of time for being a more than interested bystander.

You can also be a good Texan Wherever You Are by including me in your prayers for forgiveness of sins both known and forgotten.

Religion plays a huge role in Texas.  Just ask the gambling industry.  There are more Texas license plates in Louisiana at the casinos than there are local plates.  And the casinos in Ruidoso would shut down if it were not for Texans where merely regard that city as being somewhere in Northwest Texas.  Religious interests keep casinos out of Texas, but New Mexico and Louisiana are sure prospering.  I think Galveston Island has a history of gambling and it should be allowed there and only there.  Galveston has such a colored past  with pirates, gambling, and various aspects of vice that one more sin isn’t going to affect them much.

Seriously,  Texas churches and congregations in Texas have many wonderful outreach programs, and TV preacher Joel Osteen and his church is one of the largest in the nation, just to name a Texas sized congregation.   Many local churches even in the smallest Texas towns and cities offer the very best in bereavement committees, support, fellowship, caring for their neighbor, counseling, and religious instruction.  Don’t count your local church out just because of a few crazy Texans who claim to have inside information on who is right and who is wrong.

I have a friend who became a rather prominent TV preacher and he used to end his sermon and demonstrations each week with the phrase…..”please remember us in a financial way”.

Some of the best spiritual activities out here in Real Texas occurs at Cowboy Churches.  My favorite of those types of churches is Cowboy Campfire Ministries where the preachin’ and lesson giving is offered by a real cowboy.  His name is Kevin Weatherby and he somehow ended up in Colorado for a spell.  He and his wife minister to those Colorado  heathens as opposed to us heathens here in Texas.  According to Pastor Weatherby, a cowboy church welcomes not only you, but your dog as well.  Any church that would do that is where I want to be.  Kevin’s wife Christi also has a blog called The Worst Preacher’s Wife Ever.  It’s hilarious, thoughtful, serious, and thought provoking all at the same time.  They are two of the best folks on the planet, and you can easily get to know them by visiting the blog and subscribing.

Here are a few Cowboy Church preacher quotes:

• You might be at a cowboy church if the sermon is on “Faith of a Mustard Seed” and someone wants to know if you can feed ‘em to cattle. –Kevin Weatherby
• You only get one shot at today…..be sure your gun is loaded. –Kevin Weatherby
• Never trust a man that won’t smile at either a new colt, a new baby, or a new day. –Kevin Weatherby
• If negativity hurt as bad as a receiver hitch to the shin, people might be a little more positive. –Kevin Weatherby

Go ahead and subscribe to Kevin’s blog and you’ll get some of the best thought provoking writing on the planet.   If you feel the urge, go try a Cowboy Church close to you.  You might just fit in.

A friend of mine said he guessed that with all the sinners in Texas, we actually need more churches than the rest of the country.

Probably true.

I’m David out in Real Texas

Should have never brought the subject of religion up to start with

Tagged as: cowboy church, texas religion