Banned From Wal-Mart

This story is almost true:

My Friend Billy Jack has finally flipped out.  He’s always been a little strange, but he has been functional up to this point.  I say functional.  Let me tell you more.

Billy Jack is the one who started spewing purple passion at the Junior-Senior banquet one year.  Luckily he was in the restroom at the time, but he ended up unconscious.  We were not real cognizant of emergency medical procedures back in the middle sixties.  If you ended up in that condition, you either lived or died.

We didn’t really want to get any of his ‘fluids’ on us so we took the bathroom door off the hinges and loaded him on the door like a stretcher.  Then we hauled him outside and dumped him in the back of his dad’s pickup.  We were careful, sort of, because we had on our Sunday suits and white sport coats and he was a little  messy.  He lived through that episode.

It was later in college that Billy Jack and a friend of his left their Austin apartment.  He always parked on the street out front.  It was usually dark-thirty when he returned and he was generally feeling no pain.

Little did he know the city of Austin had dug a huge hole right where he always parked his vehicle.  He drove up to his usual parking spot and on off into the hole which promptly swallowed his vehicle.  It broke his friend’s leg and they were trapped for a considerable period of time.

I tell you these almost verifiable stories because he went on to a distinguished career in education and was a Superintendent of Schools in a Texas district for a number of years.  He also kept up his enlistment in the Army Reserve and rose to the rank of Lt. Col. and spent a year’s tour of duty in Afghanistan a few years ago.

So, it is with a semi-heavy heart that I report that it must have been him that has reverted back to his old ways.  I heard about a man who had been banned from Wal-Mart, and my assumption is that is could ONLY have been Billy Jack.  No I can’t tell you his last name, because the story has not been entirely verified as of this date.  However, that never stopped me from printing the near facts back when I was a newspaper publisher so I can’t let it stop me now.

BANNED FROM WAL-MART…
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After “Billy Jack” retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and  preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunately, his long suffering wife is like  most women … she loved to browse.

Yesterday, it must have been his dear wife received the following letter from the local  Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. (confidential)

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been  forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against him are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.  June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2.  July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.  July 7:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4.  July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away.’

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’  sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed  ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least…..

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

Keep in mind that I am only speculating here.  It could have been someone else, but only one name popped into my head when I read this report.

Keep a lookout for Billy Jack out in Real Texas.

Tagged as: david werst, Real Texas, Texas Humor, Texas Lifestyle